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- G1 Stakes Winner
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Welcome to Shelbyville, Indiana
Home of the Indiana Grand Race Track
Dusty defending champ and The Bunny as narrator
Winner of the Best Casino Floor (?)
Best Race Track award--only thoroughbred track in Indiana
Best Advertising Award (what)
Best Public event (Indiana Derby) (Must be the only event in Indiana)
Tourist pamphlet is 4 pages
The Starter and ass't starters were all standing behind the gate.
They were congratulating one of the jockey's who just got married.
He was telling them about his honeymoon.
After the wedding they left for a week to honeymoon at the Stableton Grand hotel
in Horsefeathers, ID. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks,
"We have two suites available for you. Would you like the Bridal?"
No thanks he says, "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."
Now for the race.
The horses were so bad, "How bad were they?"
The jockeys keep a diary of their trip.
And they're off in the 6f ''BE LATE FOR SOMETHING'' STAKES
and they sure will because the track has turned on the lights.
With his night-vision goggles on, Cruzan is cruising and looking back at the
competition and seeing none goes to riding side saddle.
All the others, except Dusty who made a right hand turn to the Casino,
are in a battle for the minor awards.
At the 4f pole, Cruzan is dropping oats (or something else) so the others can find their way.
Bunny, Cigar, RQ, Prado, TD, Ruff & Thunder are all lined
up down the back stretch doing a poor imitation of the Rockettes.
Down the back stretch they go, completely off gait and mostly out of shape.
Radio City Music Hall will never see the likes of them unless they bring
back the Gong Show.
Cruzan Cruisin heading down the stretch with the competition seeing only his tail,
decides to stand up in his stirrups, bends over and drops his pants.
The Rail Birds shriek in horror not because of the sight of his rear-end
but the fact he hadn't shaved it.
We have 8 horses leaning on each other, jockeying for position.
Bunny shaking his bunny tail to distract.
Thunder snorting from her nose trying to intimidate.
Cigar spewing tobacco juice on the track trying to make it slippery
Real Quiet sneaking around tickling the jocks
El Prado making like Zorro waving his whip around, which wasn't scary but funny
cause he nearly fell off his horse
Ruff batting her eyelashes to entice, you know what.
Tiger shaking all she got and then some trying to bring them to their knees
Catalina, she's the pious one is praying
With emotions running high, hearts racing but not the hooves, they stagger across
the line panting, (their not young horses) more like wheezing.
Geritol to all and Viagra for some.
A fully dressed colt, Cruzan stands first -- $84
Desperately the Bunny stays ahead of the heavy breathing fillies, finishes 2nd -- $51.40
Tiger Dancer latching onto the Bunny just after the finish line, gets her wish
and also finishes 3rd but 1st in the Bunny's heart -- $45
Nothing 'Precious' about El Prado who finishes 4th -- $43.80
Cigar $41.20
Thunder $40.30
Ruffian $32
Catalina $25
Real Quiet $22.40
They will receive a special gift from the Bunny, a joke after this.
Dusty dragging a sack of money to the Cat House were see will disperse it for
favors from the Chippendales. While Playing With Her YO-YO-MAMA Trophy!
Penthouse To Cat House
A man was sitting reading the DRF one morning when his wife whacks him with a frying pan.
Man: What was that about?
Wife: What is this paper in your pants with Marylou written on it?
Man: Oh honey, that's the name of the horse I bet on when I went to the track yesterday
Wife: Kissed him and said she was sorry.
3 days later while reading the racing form she whacks him with a Rolling Pin.
Man: Now what the____ is that about?
Yesterday your horse called.
I know you think I should be on the stage, but suggesting I be on the next
one that leaves is not very nice.
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